Not Another Gothic Fanfic Cliche!
by LuvPotionNo9
Summary: Yes, that's right. I'm here to end the gothic character movement for all eternity! Follow Alexzandra Darkness as she slits her wrists and listens to MCR! Oh yeah and she loves Hot Topic too. PARODY!
1. A Very Gothic Prologue

**A/N: WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! I have a feeling this is going to be one of those stories that has like 40969 reviews haha i hope it does and I hope they're all good! I am so sick of fanfic cliches so here we go!**

Hi, my name is Alexzandra Night Darkness and I'm goth, in case you didn't already guessed. I have long straight hair that's dyed black, with red at the ends. My favorite store is Hot Topic, and I go there every day! Well, when I'm not at Hogwarts, that is. You see, I'm a witch. Now before you light the torches, hear me out. I'm a good witch. Even though I love dark and depressing things, like slitting my wrists and listening to Evanescence, I still consider myself a nice person. So don't hurt me!

One morning, I woke up in my coffin-shaped bed (isn't that totally cool!) and got dressed. I slipped out of my Puddle of Mudd t-shirt and put on a black shirt with puffy shoulders and lace around the collar. It might sound girly but it was really gothic! I then put on a short skirt that had safety pins stuck into it, and fishnet stockings underneath. I put my hair up in pigtails (Because that's what this one girl at Hot Topic told me to do) and looked at myself in the mirror. "Who wouldn't want to be my boyfriend?" I wondered to myself. I walked upstairs and--oh, did I mention that I sleep in the catacombs of Hogwarts? Yeah, Dumbledore gave me special permission. Okay, well, it wasn't Dumbledore, it was Snape, head of Slytherin house, which of course, the house I'm in. I'm the only one down there and at night I write depressing songs while playing my organ (that's like a big piano). I also like to blast my stereo really loud while tying a rope around my neck, attaching the other end of it to a bar on my ceiling and getting my cat to kick the chair out from underneath me. But don't worry! I have special flying powers so I can lift myself up when I begin to feel woozy. One time I stayed up there so long that there was a dark blueish purple mark around my neck for three months! It looked like a gothic choker, which was awesome, but still kind of ironic, considering what I had almost just done to myself!

Anywho, I went upstairs and into the Great Hall to eat breakfast. But I was surprised to find that there was no one there. I asked Nearly Headless Nick where everyone was and he said that there was a Quidditch match that day and they were all out on the pitch.

"Oh," I said. I hate Quidditch so I went back down to the catacombs. For a while I listened to My Chemical Romance, but then I decided that I'd take a bath instead. I walked into my bathroom, which had black and red draperies all over. I pushed my Emily the Strange shower curtain out of the way and began to fill the bathtub with my favorite thing...blood! Then I put my favorite blood scented bubblebath in.

As I soaked for the next couple of hours, I thought about a lot of depressing things. Such as how I'd like to die (I decided on getting a nailgun shot through my head, because that way, the blood flowing down my face would compliment my eyeliner), and what is the best way to slit your wrists (I figured with my vampire teeth). When I got out of the tub later on, and into my black bathrobe, I put on some heavy black eyeliner and black lipstick. I looked so hot!

I got dressed and went upstairs again. By now, the Quidditch match was over and apparently the stupid Gryffindors won. Oh well, I thought, I don't like Quidditch anyway. Then Dumbledore said he had an announcement and we all sat down at our House tables.

He stood before us and cleared his throat "I would like to announce," he began, "Some changes to the stores at Hogsmeade. First we are putting in a Bed Bath and Beyond, for all your personal needs." Some people started clapping. "We are also opening a Sharper Image store I can buy myself one of those massage chairs." More clapping. "And lastly, we'll be adding a Hot Topic." I couldn't believe it! My dream had come true! I clapped harder than anybody else. I was so happy that I got up and starting singing a depressing song by Good Charlotte. Everyone looked at me and laughed but then I spit at them and ran out of the Great Hall singing

_I ripped out  
his throat  
and called you on the telephone to  
take off my diguise  
Just in time to hear you cry  
When you, you mourned the death of your bloody valentine  
The night he died  
You mourned the death of your bloody valentine  
One last time _

Good Charlotte Rocks! I was extremely happy so I went back to my tomb and hung myself. Thank Gothicness that I have that flying ability because I would have died that night because I stayed there hanging so long. I probably would have let myself die, because death is fun but hello? I mean, they were putting in a Hot Topic.


	2. Lord Voldcough

**A/N: Chapter deux! woo hooo i am so goffik loolll i hope people like this, i honestly do.**

In the morning I woke up in my coffin bed and got dressed. Today I was wearing a red tank top that had a skull on it, and some baggy pants that had chains on them from, where else, Hot Topic! I was still very happy about what Dumbledore had just announced the previous afternoon, and so that morning I slit my wrists open, but only a little because I didn't want to get my gothic attire all bloody. Two more days until the Hogsmeade weekend, I thought, I can't wait to show everyone how goth I am!

I don't really have any friends, but if I did I wouldn't hang out with them anyway. My parents hate me so I practically live at school. Hogwarts is my home. I like to be alone. Well, I still have my cat though. Her name is Gothika. It has a ring to it, don't you think? Gothika Darkness. It just flows. Right as I started to smile, I stopped myself. Mainly because goths aren't supposed to smile, and also because I realized that I hadn't stopped my wrists from bleeding. I ran around screaming for a couple minutes, and Gothika looked at me like I was crazy. And I kind of was because I was losing so much blood. I began to lose conciousness and eventually I passed out.

I woke up because someone had poured liquid, which I assumed to be water, all over me in order to wake me up. When I sat up I realized that I was covered in blood, not water. I suddenly became very depressed, which was a good thing, and it showed that I was okay after all. I looked around to see who had poured my favorite substance onto me when I spotted someone sitting in the corner. Wiping the goo from my eyes I said, "Who's there?"

"Tis me." said a deep dark voice.

"Who is me?"

"Thy is Alexzandra." The voice replied, and then began to laugh at its own joke. I rolled my heavily lined eyes.

"Alright, but who are you?"

"I am...THY WORST NIGHTMARE!"

Suddenly I felt really scared, which was totally awesome because I hadn't been genuinely scared in ages.

The figure stepped closer and it was some dude who had no nose and glowing red eyes. He had white skin, and he kind of looked like a snake.

"White Snake?"

"Erm. What?" He said, looking confused.

"Nothing. Why are you here? Who are you?"

"I am," Suddenly there was dramatic music everywhere, "LORD VOLD----" Suddenly he began to choke on his own spit. I laughed at him and he was so embarrassed that he took the piece of glass I usually use to slit my wrists with and said "May I borrow thy wrist slitting glass?" And I said sure so he slit his wrists and sat down next to me. He looked miserable.

As he began to bleed all over I asked him what was wrong and he began to tell me about all of the crappy things going on in his life and how he felt that he was never going to kill Harry Potter. Then he began to cry and I slit my wrists too and we sat there in a pool of blood together.

And thus began my friendship with Lord Voldemort.

Apparently he thought I was hot so he asked me if I wanted to go into Hogsmeade with him and I said "Sure, can we go to Hot Topic?", and he said "OMG I love that store!"

Then I smiled for the first time in my life, despite my gothic background, because I was so happy that I had made a new friend. But I stopped smiling when I remembered that I liked to be alone.

**TO BE CONTINUED...!**


	3. Vampire

**Chapter 3! YAYNESS! **

Later that evening, after Voldemort had given me his phone number and left, I decided to go up to the Great Hall for some dinner. I had the most gothic dinner ever! I ate some blood pudding, with fried bat on the side, and a tall glass of house elf blood. It was kind of lumpy so I stopped drinking it after a while.

I looked at my Edward Scissorhands watch, and gasped dramatically at how late it was getting. I got up and took my goblet full of lumpy blood in my gothicly manicured hand, and turned around began walking out of the Hall.

Just then I saw the hottest guy in the world on my right side, and began to stare at him...ahhh he was so hawt! 

SMACK!

I had just gotten lumpy blood spilled all over me because some idiot kid had run right into me.

"YOU IDIOT!" I screamed. Usually, I like being covered in blood but when it was all lumpy and house elfy, it was fairly unpleasant...which is usually good as well but it wasn't this time okay?

"Sorry..." ; Said a shy sounding voice. I looked up and saw a sight that made me almost hang myself! Standing there was the gothickest guy I had ever seen. He had dark eyeliner, and dark hair, and dark clothes, and dark nailpolish, and dark lipstick. He was so dark and gloomy looking!

"Sorry I spilled blood all over you..." He looked down at the totally un-gothic floor.

"Uhh...it's okay...because I'm a vampire!" I lied. It wasn't okay, and I wasn't a vampire. But he was so hottt...

"Really!" ; He gasped.

"Yup. I'm Alexzandra by the way." I roared.

"I'm Draco Malfoy...but some people just call me Vampire."

Vampire. Wow...what a goth name...WAIT! WHAT? DRACO MALFOY! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

"Uh...hi...? " Was all I could say. He had always been so hot but now because he was gothic, he was HAWT!

"But I'm not really a vampire...so I guess you won't want to have anything to do with me..." He sounded so depressed. I loved him already.

"NO!" I said, "Uh...I mean, no. I do want to hang out with you...wanna go slit your wrists with me?" I offered.

His eyes got really big and wide and he said, "SURE!" It was so pathetic how he was in such desperate need of friends. Lucky guy. 

So we went back to the catacombs, and I got out my special wrist slitting razor. I let Draco use that, and I used my vampire teeth, which I had implanted when I was 2. We sat there for a bit, and i turned on my MCR CD. We sang along with it in our best goth voices. It was awesome.

Then we talked about how much we hated Harry Potter and the Gryffindors. After that I told him about my encounter with Voldemort. He didn't believe me at first and was like, "NUH UH!" And I was all "YUH HUH!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh!"

"Nuh uh!" 

"Yuh huh!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yuh huh!"

After a while, he still didn't believe me. Pretty soon, we began to get woozy but continued to let ourselves gush blood.

"Nuh..."

"Yuh..." 

"Nuuhhh..."

"Yuhhhh..." 

"Uhhh..."

"Hhhhhhh... " 

And then we both passed out and when I woke up, the first thing I remember seeing, was him laying in a pool of blood beside me. I began to reach over to wake him up, but I stopped just as a diamond studded cowboy boot stomped down on my hand.

"Thou hast been participating in the ancient art of wrist slitting without me?"


End file.
